| I've ridden vertiginous swells in the Eastern Ocean | | | | was playing with him one Saturday morning, all |
| returning from scuba diving on the Great Barrier | | | | being fragrant and clean with the world, when the |
| Reef, felt weightless as an angel as our six-seater | | | | term 'projectile vomit' entered my experience. |
| dodged the sheer cliffs of Milford Sound and seen | | | | Hitherto it had been a concept. Still, after three |
| the mauve twilight drain across the glorious ruins | | | | bouts (or rather spouts) he blinked twice, saw |
| of the Forum. Strangely, none of these now | | | | Vince the musical octopus and laughed. He didn't |
| seem as awesome as certain milestones in the | | | | eat much over the next two weeks, slept |
| journey of the last nine and a half months. Even | | | | erratically and tired quickly yet rarely seemed |
| more strangely, some of these crazy highs have | | | | bothered enough to become deflected from |
| come as a result of waste matter. | | | | eating Saturday's Independent. |
| Everyone knows what babies spend most of their | | | | So too the meconium which, horrible though it |
| time doing: cry, crap, kip. (I know it's tortuous but | | | | was, affected him little and even gave us a |
| snappy comes at a price). What new parents | | | | frisson of excitement as though he had passed |
| experience for the first time though is the | | | | his first test, the first of 357 in Britain's |
| incredible variety of these three and the most | | | | educational system. For adults it is also a great |
| fascinating of the bunch, which has to be the | | | | test of the imagination for although textbooks |
| second. It might be because our own visits to the | | | | claim that it has no odour it's hard to believe that |
| bathroom are so personal but it is suddenly | | | | something so nasty doesn't reek of the Pit. |
| amazing to see a fellow human so deliciously | | | | If ever you were going to be coated with |
| oblivious to the workings of their bowels. It was a | | | | something in Hell, for an eternity of suffering, |
| hilarious moment when Tom realised, at around | | | | meconium would be it. Adds a whole new |
| five months, that nature could be aided by a | | | | meaning to the phrase 'Cast into the Void!' |
| certain amount of concentration. And in all | | | | The next Eureka moment came with the |
| honesty it still raises a titter amongst us when he | | | | semi-solid. Now if this sounds vague you haven't |
| suddenly focuses, pulls in his chin, steadies his | | | | had a baby. Most people know that nappies carry |
| eyes and strains, grunting and frowning. It's less | | | | -to choose a nice term- poo. Poo, though, at the |
| amusing when you've just spend half an hour | | | | earliest stage comprises greeny-yellowy-sticky |
| washing and dressing him because you were | | | | slop. The change when this becomes semi-solid |
| hoping to leave the house sometime before lunch. | | | | seems almost miraculous. Finally something you |
| Even so, the happy pause between completion | | | | could actually pick up rather than douse down, a |
| and discomfort still manages to raise a smile. So, | | | | little slice of Heaven, albeit one that looks like a |
| what are the key stages? | | | | nugget of muck buried in pureed muck and |
| Meconium is a blast. If our son's supervillain | | | | coated with slimy muck. But it all shows |
| powers came to the fore at any time it was at | | | | development, a forward motion that rapidly takes |
| approximately the fourth change when he started | | | | your breath away. Quite literally for it is at around |
| to emit a black, sticky, viscous substance, a little | | | | this time that the nappies start to emit an odour. |
| in essence like a burned sticky toffee pudding but | | | | And that's being polite. |
| oh so very different. For instance sticky toffee | | | | You know you've attained the pinnacle of isolated |
| pudding doesn't tend to spread all around your | | | | parenthood (that point where non-parents stare |
| mouth when you dab at a tiny piece that has | | | | at you and think 'I have no idea what you are |
| strayed into your beard. And then prove | | | | talking about!') when you find the wedgers that |
| impossible to remove no matter how much warm | | | | slowly form over the next couple of months and |
| water you use. And then stain your fingers. And | | | | feel a pang of nostalgia for early infancy. It's |
| then ruin your clothes. Nicer than meconium then | | | | suddenly as though your beautiful, helpless son |
| which is rather more similar to the Tardis in that:a) | | | | has gone and grown up, waved bye-bye to |
| what appears to be small and inconsequential | | | | babyhood and entered an exciting mature world. |
| turns out to be massively underestimated and,b) | | | | You remember the warm bundle who had to be |
| when smearing meconium around your infant's | | | | helped into position on the breast, the way his |
| bottom you start to realise, for the first time, | | | | tiny hand held your finger at that first meeting |
| just how relative Time and Space really is. | | | | and the gentle manner in which you first changed |
| Most adults seeing such a substance exiting their | | | | him; lifting softly, patting, pampering, cooing, |
| bodies would either hit the floor or the Valium, so | | | | mindful of each twitter and eager to soothe. Then |
| you can imagine our amazement at how | | | | the smell assaults you and he jets a fine arc of |
| nonplussed young Tom was. We had an echo of | | | | urine over your best silk tie whilst trying to fling |
| this seven months down the line when he was | | | | himself sideways from the changing table in order |
| sick for the first time with a stomach complaint. I | | | | to thump Swindon the Duck. |