| It was 1978 when I first met my husband. | | | | perfectionism in behavioral terms - a neat house, |
| Besides being good looking, he seemed really laid | | | | a productive work environment - I discovered |
| back and relaxed. That was in total contrast to | | | | that perfectionism has little to do with behavior |
| my driven and assertive personality. I was | | | | but has much to do with the belief that drives it. |
| envious of his ability to appreciate each moment | | | | The need to be perfect is a belief based on an |
| and this gift seemed to draw me in even more. | | | | impossibility. To be perfect cannot be achieved |
| They always said opposites attract and I felt I | | | | under any circumstance. Therefore, it is a setup |
| had just met my soul-mate. | | | | for failure. |
| We were both enrolled in the same college | | | | This belief takes hold at a very young age. There |
| program and we ended up taking the same | | | | are a number of reasons why this seed is planted |
| classes. I was utterly amazed at his ability to wait | | | | in our psyche but the nurturing of the seed tends |
| until the last moment to complete his | | | | to be our own unconscious doing. As human |
| assignments. One day I actually woke up to find | | | | beings, we tend to prove our beliefs. So once |
| my then boyfriend's head hanging over the couch | | | | they are established, we do very little to challenge |
| in the living room staring at the floor. At first | | | | their validity over time. Even if our beliefs do not |
| glance it was quite comical although also very | | | | serve positive ends, we continue to prove them |
| typical, of his finishing projects at the very last | | | | regardless. It's similar to the process of cancer. |
| second. Inevitably, we would always end up | | | | Cancer will do anything to preserve itself even if |
| achieving the same high grade despite the fact | | | | the host is eliminated in the process. We will |
| that I would start my assignments way ahead of | | | | preserve our beliefs regardless of the long-term |
| time. I would dedicate an inordinate amount of | | | | impact to the quality of our lives. |
| energy refining my work. If I did not approach | | | | With perfection as a goal, we will fail 100% of the |
| my tasks in this way, I would become engulfed in | | | | time. One will never truly feel a sense of |
| anxiety. It was as if I had a low grade electric | | | | accomplishment. Even if a perfectionist receives a |
| current running through my body and the only | | | | 99% on a test, that 1% perceived failure will |
| way to cope with it was to do whatever I could | | | | become 100% of the focus. Therefore, 1% error |
| to minimize its effects. The earlier I started my | | | | is tantamount to total failure. Just imagine living a |
| task, the more hopeful I would be that my | | | | life where every activity is anticipated to be a |
| anxiety would not overcome me. How did he do | | | | disappointment? When reaching adulthood it is no |
| it? All I knew was that being around him helped | | | | wonder why so many of us struggle with a sense |
| me balance my hyper-strung tendencies. | | | | of who we are. It appears almost epidemic how |
| Our personalities seemed so complimentary that | | | | many people feel discouraged and overwhelmed in |
| inevitably we made it official. We got married and | | | | their lives. It is not surprising that our |
| anticipated a life of much joy and shared | | | | contemporary experience is riddled with stress |
| productivity. Have you heard people say that the | | | | and antidepressant medications. |
| very qualities that attract us often drive us crazy | | | | It is important to understand how perfectionism |
| over time? Not surprisingly, our coping styles | | | | expresses itself in behavior. As my husband and I |
| began to collide as we negotiated combining two | | | | demonstrate, two opposite behavioral patterns |
| homes into one. As the person who always | | | | can be attributed to this belief. The overdriven |
| needed to be organized in order to manage | | | | perfectionist, yours truly, exhibits the following |
| anxiety, I became the list maker. I felt so much | | | | process when confronted with an important task. |
| better when I knew what was expected and how | | | | I become exceptionally hyper-focused on the |
| much time we had to complete tasks. | | | | project at the neglect of everything else. |
| One glance at the list and my husband would | | | | Adrenaline is excreted at high levels, which |
| retreat immediately to the couch. The more I | | | | enables me to rigorously focus on the task and |
| pressured him, the longer he would lay there. To | | | | allows me to speed up my ability to process |
| avoid my impending nag, he would start to | | | | information. I am likely to redo the task over and |
| undertake tasks that I thought were totally | | | | over in the hope that the more I obsess and |
| unnecessary. I kept thinking, "Is he doing this to | | | | restructure the project, the more likely I will |
| drive me crazy?" The longer he delayed, the | | | | achieve a perfect result. Unfortunately as time |
| more anxious I would become. After all, deadlines | | | | goes on and after repeated attempts, I begin to |
| were approaching and according to my list, | | | | feel defeated. Depression arises and my energy |
| nothing was getting done. To avoid becoming | | | | level falters. Finally, I give up, realizing that again I |
| overwhelmed myself, I began picking up the slack. | | | | have failed. There is no sense of true |
| I could feel the anger begin to build as I assumed | | | | accomplishment. Every time this occurs, it just |
| more and more chores. Over time I started to | | | | makes the next task even more difficult. It is a |
| resent his procrastination. "Why couldn't he be | | | | painful and unfulfilling cycle; a cycle with life-long |
| more like me?" was the mantra that replayed | | | | implications. |
| over and over in my head. It's not rocket science, | | | | So what about my husband? Let's identify how |
| come on, get up and get moving! Was that so | | | | the procrastinator manages tasks. When an |
| much to ask? I tried everything from nagging to | | | | important activity is assigned to him, he |
| ultimatums but to no avail. My frustration reached | | | | immediately heads for the couch. Why? Unlike the |
| a crescendo and I began to withdraw and sulk. | | | | overdriven person, the procrastinator is not |
| The final straw occurred the night of our | | | | immediately infused with adrenaline. As a matter |
| daughter's arrival in the United States. We had | | | | of fact, the opposite occurs. He becomes |
| undergone a painful fifteen month struggle to | | | | depressed and unconsciously realizes that he is |
| finalize her international adoption. It was Sunday | | | | likely to fail this task just as he has failed |
| evening and she was finally coming home. Even | | | | previously. As he pushes the activity out of his |
| though I was a psychologist, I ultimately was a | | | | mind, he is very busy doing everything else. He |
| first time mom. I was terrified to take on the | | | | may be cleaning his computer keys, picking up the |
| most important responsibility of my life. | | | | laundry or reshuffling papers in his file drawer. |
| My husband had undertaken a career change | | | | Right before the advent of the deadline, my |
| during the adoption process in order to maximize | | | | husband suddenly receives a powerful infusion of |
| his parenting availability. He gave up a lucrative | | | | adrenaline. It's as if he gets a kick in the pants |
| career in healthcare management in order to be | | | | and he can tackle the task with unexpected |
| integrally involved in all aspects of his daughter's | | | | speed and productivity. He finishes the task at the |
| life. He was finishing his coursework and I thought | | | | very last minute and feels great relief at finally |
| I had planned for all contingencies. Of course, little | | | | getting rid of the responsibility. The high from the |
| did I know that my resident procrastinator was | | | | adrenaline rush is so powerful that it serves as |
| about to go into avoidance mode. | | | | reinforcement for his procrastination. Ultimately, |
| For three weeks he had a take-home final in his | | | | he can always tell himself that if he had more |
| possession due the morning after our daughter's | | | | time, he could have done better. |
| arrival. I had assumed that he had already | | | | Even though these two coping styles seem so |
| completed it. I bet you can guess what happened | | | | behaviorally different, as you can see, they |
| next? He had to pull an all-nighter to complete the | | | | actually have a great deal in common - |
| assignment. How do you explain a devoted and | | | | perfectionism, adrenaline and depression. The point |
| dedicated father who changed his life path for his | | | | here is that neither style is better or worse than |
| daughter's welfare but still, could not finish his final | | | | the other. Each has its strengths and its |
| exam even despite the momentous event he | | | | weaknesses. The lesson to be learned is that |
| was about to experience? That is when I realized | | | | each person is doing the best s/he can and |
| he had no other choice but to procrastinate. | | | | criticism should be replaced with compassion and |
| Instead of greeting this realization with anger and | | | | understanding. |
| frustration, it actually piqued my interest. What is | | | | As the person who is greeted with the initial |
| it that drove the both of us to cope with life in | | | | adrenaline rush, I have become the organizer and |
| such a different way? | | | | list maker. Therefore, I use my energy to plan |
| Since I had been insisting that my husband be | | | | out the day and to identify what tasks are |
| more like me, I thought it was only fair that I | | | | integral to maximize our productivity. My husband |
| require the same of myself. After some soothing | | | | loves to be unburdened from this activity because |
| self-talk, I was ready. The next important | | | | as we now know, procrastinators become |
| assignment that came my way, I decided to | | | | paralyzed at the thought of a list not to mention, |
| procrastinate and immediately, set it aside. As I | | | | having to make one. I love to be in control |
| forced myself to delay, I thought I was going to | | | | because it helps me moderate my anxiety level. |
| jump out of my skin. My anxiety level was | | | | My husband is best suited to be the task |
| approaching critical when I finally gave up the | | | | implementer. However, he is better able to carry |
| experiment. This is what I have been asking my | | | | out his tasks when they are concrete, clearly |
| husband to endure by insisting that he "get up, | | | | defined activities with short deadlines. We now |
| and get going." What an eye-opening experience. | | | | know that his adrenaline is only generated from |
| It was obvious this coping mechanism was deeply | | | | deadline pressure, so manipulating circumstances |
| ingrained and expecting him to change his coping | | | | to encourage this type of response serves the |
| style was likely to be met with extraordinary | | | | collective purpose. He feels great because he is |
| anxiety. | | | | able to carry out his tasks efficiently and |
| The more I explored this response, the more I | | | | successfully. I love it because I do not care |
| became aware of how common procrastinator | | | | whether I actually do the chores but I care that |
| overdriven marital unions actually existed. As a | | | | they are getting done. |
| psychologist, I also knew it was a major area of | | | | We both feel a sense of accomplishment as we |
| conflict for couples and by exploring its' nature | | | | utilize our strengths to achieve a mutually |
| might actually save, if not enhance, the quality of | | | | beneficial result. What used to drive us crazy is |
| many marital relationships. | | | | bringing us back together by reigniting the very |
| I was struck by what overdriven and | | | | qualities which drew us to each other in the first |
| procrastinator individuals shared in common. Both | | | | place. Our complimentary nature is now being |
| coping styles were driven by the unconscious | | | | embraced to create a loving, productive and |
| need to be perfect. Although most of us define | | | | exceptionally happy relationship. |