| (Based on the Essay "A Modest Proposal", by | | | | There will be many ways of using this fine quality |
| Jonathan Swift in 1729) | | | | meat. Dipping an old person's fingers in barbecue |
| A new organization has been created on the | | | | sauce will be a treat on a Friday night after a hard |
| West side of Manhattan. This is an organization | | | | week of work. Boneless toe nuggets, either fried |
| dedicated to the betterment of humanity, the | | | | or baked, will be a tasty appetizer or hors |
| cleanliness of the earth and the causes of equality | | | | d'oeuvres. Mr. Aymard also assures us that the |
| within and between all nations. The organization is | | | | breasts of an older woman can create a |
| called the Bastion of Urban Renewal and Progress | | | | pâté that could be served at the |
| (BURP). | | | | finest cocktail parties. This pâté, |
| This is a community organization which is staffed | | | | served with green salad and potatoes, will be a |
| by people from all walks of life, as well as by | | | | delicacy to be envied and longed for. Other parts |
| experts in all areas of importance. We will be | | | | won't go to waste either. There will be granny |
| speaking to a variety of subjects throughout the | | | | cold cuts sold in every supermarket. These cold |
| coming months and years. The first issue that we | | | | cuts, we are assured by our resident expert, are |
| wish to address is that of healthcare. | | | | lighter in fat content than turkey or chicken cold |
| Our goal is to have universal healthcare for all | | | | cuts. |
| people. People should not be without basic care, | | | | Now we understand that this plan, however well |
| no matter what their circumstances. The biggest | | | | intentioned it may be, could be criticized on certain |
| obstacle to this is money. Our President, Barack | | | | moral grounds. So let us then look at the benefits |
| Obama, seemed to recognize this in his press | | | | of this plan. As Barack Obama said, we have to |
| conference in July when he spoke about | | | | look very carefully at "end of life" decisions. We |
| healthcare. In that press conference, the word | | | | clearly can't afford to give elderly people endless |
| "money" was stated 21 times. Only four nouns | | | | care and also provide universal care to everyone |
| were said more. Those were "health" - 72 times, | | | | else. We don't want our elderly people to suffer |
| "care" - 69 times (although the word "care" wasn't | | | | but we can't afford to give them care. So by |
| always used as a noun), "insurance" - 34 times, | | | | turning them into food, we are allowing them to |
| and "people" - 31 times. | | | | do one last great thing in their life. Instead of |
| We are a bit disappointed about the obsession | | | | becoming a burden to society, they become a |
| with money as we always felt that it was the | | | | benefit to society. |
| republicans who were more obsessed over issues | | | | Old people, at the age of 70, can be taken to |
| concerning money while our side was more | | | | "Environmental Contribution Centers". These |
| concerned with issues dealing with quality of life, | | | | centers will be located in beautiful beach front |
| morality, and fairness. However, we recognize | | | | areas so that the old people can enjoy a last |
| money as the necessary evil it is, at least for | | | | hurrah of life. They will be given only the finest |
| now, until we can put in place a more fair system | | | | foods, which will not only give them a great |
| and eliminate the need for this exchange of | | | | sendoff, but will fatten them up for the dinner |
| capitalistic greed. | | | | table. They can enjoy a few rounds of golf (not |
| So how do we provide healthcare for all people | | | | too many, though, because we don't want them |
| and how to we pay for it? We, at our | | | | to develop hardened muscular structure), ping |
| organization (BURP) have devised a plan that will | | | | pong, shuffle board and whatever else they wish |
| not only provide healthcare for all, but at the | | | | to do. When their time comes, there will be a |
| same time will not cost a cent! In fact, we expect | | | | wonderful ceremony. Relatives will be invited to |
| our plan to make money! As a side benefit, we | | | | share in the gift of an elderly person sacrificing his |
| also expect our plan to go a long way toward | | | | or her life for the betterment of our country and |
| cleaning up the environment and stopping the | | | | our planet. |
| green house gasses that are heating our planet to | | | | Putting this proposal into practice will not only free |
| such dangerous levels. | | | | up 80% of healthcare costs for other, more |
| 80% of healthcare costs is spent on the elderly. | | | | productive members of society, but it will create |
| President Obama spoke to this issue when he said | | | | a new enterprise that will make money. The Old |
| that he wasn't sure if it was in everyone's best | | | | People Meat market will be a multibillion dollar |
| interests that his grandmother got a hip | | | | industry that will provide money for schools, |
| replacement - we agree. Couldn't the medical | | | | infrastructure improvement and new jobs. It will |
| resources that went toward her hip replacement | | | | be an economic boom! |
| have been better served going to a child or a | | | | The cruel and dirty business of slaughter houses |
| person with more years to live and contribute to | | | | will come to an end. There will be no need to raise |
| society? | | | | turkeys, chickens, cattle, pigs and other livestock |
| Much of the currently proposed healthcare reform | | | | when we have an endless supply of healthy, |
| comes from Tom Daschle's book "Critical: What | | | | wholesome meat. The environment will be better |
| We Can Do About the Health-Care Crisis". Daschle | | | | off. It takes a huge amount of space and |
| says health-care reform "will not be pain free. | | | | resources to raise cattle. The grain to feed the |
| Seniors should be more accepting of the | | | | cattle and the land that they take up can be used |
| conditions that come with age instead of treating | | | | for our benefit, or it can go back to nature. In |
| them." We agree with that statement as well, but | | | | either case we will be better off for it as the |
| we have some qualms about this and think that | | | | raising of cattle takes up far too many resources. |
| we can improve on its basic premise. | | | | Cow flatulence, which is a huge contributor to |
| It is immoral to ask an elderly person to suffer. | | | | global warming, will also be a thing of the past. |
| We don't want the elderly to live with painful and | | | | Animal activist groups, a number of which we |
| debilitating conditions. At the same time, we don't | | | | have right here in our organization, such as PETA, |
| have the money to treat them because they will | | | | will be happy that chickens and turkeys are no |
| bankrupt the system and cost too much money. | | | | longer raised for food, suffering through their |
| We can't continue to spend 80% of healthcare | | | | short lives to have a cruel destiny as food for |
| costs on people who have nothing left to | | | | some person's selfish needs. |
| contribute but stories of bygone eras. We are a | | | | Of course there will have to be some exceptions |
| progressive nation and we must move forward. | | | | to what we will affectionately refer to as "The |
| As mentioned earlier in this proposal, we at our | | | | Rule of 70". For example, we have many resident |
| organization (BURP) have experts from all walks | | | | experts right here in our organization (BURP) |
| of life. One such expert is a chef in France by the | | | | whose knowledge is invaluable to shaping the |
| name of Jean Aymard. Mr. Aymard assures us | | | | course of events and in creating the progressive |
| that an old person, if seasoned properly, can be | | | | society that we all yearn for. Because of the |
| cooked in a variety of ways to provide a most | | | | need for their skills and expertise, these people, |
| delicious and healthy meal. Old people provide a | | | | despite their age, will be provided the full health |
| very tender meat because the muscular structure | | | | care that will be provided to the society as a |
| of their meat has diminished; creating a texture | | | | whole. |
| that is exquisite. | | | | And so, dear comrades, you see how this |
| Old people can be served in a variety of ways. | | | | proposal benefits society in so many ways. |
| According to Mr. Aymard, the hips can make a | | | | Sometimes it takes a good community activist |
| T-bone steak that would be the envy of the | | | | organization to shine the light and show how to |
| finest steak house. Because there is so little | | | | get things done. Our organization (BURP) is about |
| muscle left on old people, a good portion of the | | | | making America a kinder, fairer and just country. |
| meat can be made into an amazing filet mignon, | | | | Providing universal health care for all is just the |
| far more so than in a cow, which contains a | | | | beginning. |
| larger percentage of gristle and muscle. | | | | |