7 Jokes About Employees You Wish You Didn't Hire

Every manager hired some employees they wishabusers answered statistically significantly
they never hired. To make light of - and also putdifferently then non-thieves or non-substance
light on - hiring losers, I now give you a specialabusers.
gift:a. Jokes about types of employees you wishThat pre-employment test includes questions that
you never hiredb. Solutions: Methods you can usehelp you differentiate (a) criminals from
- so you avoid hiring such creepsnon-criminals and also (b) substance abusers from
Solutions include pre-employment tests, specialnon-substance abusers.
interview tips and more to help you stop puttingMake sure you hire people who are unlikely to be
lousy employees on your company's payroll.thieves or substance abusers.
LAZYCRAZY
Joke #1 = Some employees are so lazy... even ifJoke #5 = Some employees are so crazy... even
they have a work-from-home job, they still gettheir imaginary friends won't play with them.
to work late.Solution: Pre-employment tests do not predict if
Solution: Use a pre-employment test thatan applicant is mentally ill. Fortunately, a behavior
measures Work Ethic. If an applicant scores lowpre-employment test tells if an applicant may
on the test's Work Ethic scale, then you need tohave work-related "personality problems" that
find someone with more gumption andresult in the person being a difficult employee.
industriousness.For example, I notice people with unpleasant
DUMBwork-related personality quirks often score the
Joke #2 = Some employees are so stupid... whenfollowing on a behavior pre-employment test:
they find out they can apply for other jobs online,* Low score on Subjective Reaction to Pressure -
they ask, "Where does the line start?"a whiner
Admit it: You hired some employees who have* Pessimistic - down-in-the-dumps and low
the IQ of room temperature.confidence
You create expensive problems when you hire* Highly Excitable - do not light a match near
employees who are not smart enough for thethem
job. They find it hard or impossible to (a) learn theIf the applicant also scores high on the
job and (2) correctly solve problems encounteredpre-employment test's Aggressiveness scale, then
on-the-job.you should avoid that job candidate like a plague.
Solution: Pre-employment tests of mental orUNHEALTHY
cognitive abilities helps you hire people who areJoke # 6 = Some employees are so unhealthy...
smart enough to learn and handle a job. Mentalwhen they go to a club they order
abilities tests help you measure brainpowergravy-on-the-rocks.
abilities, such asO.K. You're not supposed to take health matters
* Problem-Solvinginto account when hiring. Instead, you need to
* Vocabularyfocus on hiring people who can do the job.
* ArithmeticBut, then your company complains about
* Grammarhealthcare costs.
* Handling Small DetailsQ = Who rings up a lot of your company's
Importantly, you need to determine specifichealthcare costs?
"benchmark scores" you need for each job. YouA = Employees who lead unhealthy lifestyles.
do this by conducting a "benchmarking study.""Wellness programs" are popping up in companies
Have your best employees take the mental- to help employees transform their unhealthy
abilities pre-employment tests. From that, youlifestyles into healthy lifestyles. If your company
discover the test scores they get. Then, you canmight need a wellness program, ask yourself if
prefer hiring applicants who get pre-employmentthe reason is because it hired many people who
test scores similar to your best employees.have unhealthy lifestyles, resulting in huge
NASTY & MEANhealthcare costs.
Joke #3 = Some employees are so mean... theySolution: Of course, follow employment rules and
would make monks curse.guidelines. But, if you have an applicant who oozes
Solution: A pre-employment test that forecastsunhealthy attributes, then you might see if you
behavior on-the-job can help you avoid hiringcan find another qualified applicant who does not
nasty and wicked people. Mean people may getlook like death warmed over. Then, you decide
horribly high scores on certain pre-employmentwhich one you hire.
test scales:CHEAP
* AggressivenessJoke #7 = Some employees are so cheap... they
* Excitablechase garbage trucks with their shopping lists.
* Power MotivationThis is a huge problem: Some managers feel
So, if an applicant gets high scores on thosethrilled buying cheap products or services. But
pre-employment test scales, you may want tothey do not weigh the cheap cost versus the
find a better, nicer applicant.product's or service's quality and actual results. As
CRIMINALSyou know, cheap seldom equals quality.
Joke #4 = Some employees are such criminals...Before starting my consulting firm, I was a
they ask you to call them by their nickname -corporate manager at a big company. We
which is two letters - "JL."described such cheap managers using this
Solution: A pre-employment test forecastingput-down: "Some managers feel thrilled to save a
potential criminal behavior may help you avoidnickel - but, in the outcome, they waste a
hiring unsavory characters. Using a dependabilityquarter.'
pre-employment test, beware when you test anSolution: In the job interview, ask for examples of
applicant, and the applicant gets "high-risk" or badpurchasing decisions the manager candidate made.
scores on these two test scales:Probe how they made buying decisions. Did the
* Theft/Stealing concernscandidate (A) focus on buying the cheapest items
* Substance Abuse concernsor (B) analyze the quality of the product or
For example, one pre-employment test Iservice obtained for the cost involved? Avoid
researched and created has those two scales,hiring managers who pride themselves in doing (A)
along with three other scales. To research and- but show little or no regard for (B).
develop the Theft/Stealing scale, hundreds ofRECOMMENDATION - for YOUR OPPORTUNITY
prisoners locked-up in jails - convicted of stealingTO HIRE THE BEST
crimes - filled-out my research questionnaires. ForPre-employment tests and certain job interview
the test's Substance Abuse scale, hundreds ofmethods help you avoid hiring people who are
people convicted of DUI and/or drug possessionlazy, dumb, act wacky, or have other unwanted
answered my research questionnaires. Also,characteristics. Yes, I realize I made jokes about
hundreds of non-thieves and non-substancemany types of employees you wish you did not
abusers answer my research questionnaires - tohire. The jokes are funny. But, you never find it
serve as comparison groups.humorous dealing with lousy employees. So, use
From that huge research project, I discoveredpre-employment tests and careful job interviewing
specific questions convicted thieves or substanceto make sure you avoid hiring clowns.